First Love-of letting go and good-bites

This post is dedicated to my first love and second.

I think everyone have experience first love, that tingling feeling where your heart literally skips a beat when you saw that someone. Mine was probably in Form 4 and Form 5 , both me and her were actually classmates in Form 3, but then we grew closer in Form 4 and Form 5 , we were like puppy love for a period but I just though it wasn't the right time to start dating and all that, plus my parents specifically mum told me not to have one, at that age.

After SPM , we went on our separate ways, she went into a private university , I wanted , really wanted to go after her , and then deep down I wanted to save the money, and I wanted my life, ( on that current stage) , to be about what I want, and what my needs are , and so I gave up on going to the same university as her, instead I went back to Form 6 , we stay connected, chatted at times, but as times passed, there were lesser topic that we can share with each other, she is busy with her new life, and same goes to me. 

I finished Form 6 , and then apply and got into UTeM . That means we were even future apart , she's in Kajang while I'm at Malacca. Technically, we haven't even started dating, but I always felt , always felt that she was the one. I confessed to her sometime in my second year of degree, but she rejected me. Religion , we were both from a different religion , she was my first love, as much as I want to deny it.

You know when you were in high school, and you write those small notes on a small piece of paper, and get your friends to pass them around to the person you wanted the paper to go to, well I gave her a small roll of paper , and she gave me one, I have always kept that paper , and also imagine I will play and read it out loud during our wedding day , but I guess it wasn't meant to be after all.

But with that rejection, came closure and acceptance. I wanted to forget her, and I wanted us to at least be friends.

And there comes another person, she's so attractive in her own ways, she's mature, responsible, funny and cute. She was so comfortable to talk to, but maybe she though that I wasn't being serious or whatsoever, she told me not to even start chasing her , even before I manage to take 2 steps. And that is exactly why I fall for her, her honestly and perfect character. I accepted , it was her choice.

It's so easy to just wish someone all the happiness, and its so easy to say " I'm ok, I'll move on" , but the truth is not easy to move on, I wanted to stay, I wanted to just erase the though of me liking her, I wanted to just block her from my social media, but I wanted to act cool , and wanted to prove to her and everyone else that I'm fine. But sometimes, in the darkest day, where I literally just need someone to talk to, she will be the the first one that came into my mind , but I know that its not right for me to expect her to treat me well and to answer or hear or even share problems with me as I am a nobody to her, but deep down , its the longing. And maybe I wanted, really wanted her to just be a friend. Even since she told me to back out from her life, we didn't even share anything or talk like we usually do , I guess its easy to say " We will still be friends" .

To apply and actually going for this student exchange programme to Indonesia, it wasn't merely about going to a new place and explore, it was more of challenging myself to stand alone, and to go out there, take the stage and be independent , and to let myself know that its ok for her to reject me , and maybe come back with as a better person next semester, no longer feeling the urge to impress her or trying so hard to get her attention and all that, and I wanted , just really wanted to go somewhere alone, and see on what level I am able to achieve. I think I have achieve half of it already , I actually got so stress at one period, I contacted her (why did I do that ??! ), I regretted but guess what it turns out to be even better , I think the last chat was a real record closure and a reassurance to me that she wasn't going to response, and that was a fact, and perhaps the truth fact that I have been seeking and finding all along.

She was living her life to the fullest, and I'm ok with that. 

People often joke to me and tell me that my looks are ok, and my character is acceptable , so why I haven't found the right one at this current stage of my life . And you know what, in Indonesia, in this student exchange programme, I have made and promise and told myself, to never try impress anyone I like in the future, and to never close my heart because of my eyes , because beauty only gets you a distance, but its the journey that we should sought after.

They said in a relationship, there will always require effort from both side, and you should't feel the need to change yourself just to suit your partner , and you should feel instantly connected when both of you click, but in reality, its really hard to meet the right person at the right time. I haven't come to that state where I really meant " I wish you happiness"when I said it out loud.

I am ready to go back to Malaysia, and to rejoin my classmates, and to fight for our degree and graduate in 2020. This student exchange so far, has taught me what independant has to offer , and why sometimes standing alone is the best decision in life.

First love, and my second one, I wish you well. I bid farewell.